On of the more painful steps in our gradual Englishization has been going through the long and arduous process of procuring a driver’s license.
Since the States is not part of the EU or a Commonwealth country, (we said we want a Revolution) apparently the price of our freedom is
US expatriates going through the incredibly bureaucratic and expensive process of attaining a
UK license.
The first step for me (Nick) was to study 1,300 multiple choice questions and take a 1 hour theory test, which includes a hazard perception portion in a driver simulator to make sure that you can click a mouse when things pull out in front of you. Then, 2 months later when you can get a slot, you have to pay $200 to take a 1 hour practical driving test with a pass rate of 35%. In the mean time, you get to pay a professional instructor $45 an hour to teach you the correct way to handle roundabouts, bus lanes, and the 200 types of pedestrian crossing they have here.
Last week I was very proud to pass my driving theory test with flying colours, proving to the government (and Queen Elizabeth herself??) that I am ready for the real deal: the road test. December 12th is my date with destiny.
To take you, our readers, on the excitement of this journey with me, I’ve included some real test content below. You can see how you might fare here in a 21st century low-emissions plastic car on streets designed in the 12th century. To warm up, here’s some vital definitions:
Carriageway - One side of a road or motorway. A ‘dual carriageway’ has two lanes on each side of a central reservation.
Pelican crossing - A crossing with traffic lights that pedestrians can use by pushing a button.
Puffin Crossing - Similar to a Pelican crossing, but with no flashing amber light
Toucan crossing - A type of pedestrian crossing that cyclists can also use
Zebra crossing - A pedestrian crossing without traffic lights
Pegasus crossing - An unusual kind of crossing. It has a button high up for horse riders to push (Pegasus was a flying horse in Greek legend).
Now, on to some of my favorite real test Sample Questions:
You have been involved in an argument before starting your journey. This has made you feel angry. You should:
a) start to drive, but open a window
b) drive slower than normal and turn your radio on
c) have an alcoholic drink to help you relax before driving
d) calm down before you start to drive
Take your time to think of the right choice on that one. Now, let’s see if you know how to drive with some real panache:
Using rear fog lights in clear daylight will:
a) be useful when towing a trailer
b) give extra protection
c) dazzle other drivers (correct!!)
d) make following drivers keep back
I always drive to dazzle. Ok, let’s say I’ve just blinded you with my flair…
You are dazzled at night by a vehicle behind you. You should:
a) set your mirror to anti-dazzle
b) set your mirror to dazzle the other driver
c) brake sharply to a stop
d) switch your rear lights on and off
Anti-dazzle mode: ENGAGE! Armed with this practical know-how, Y’all (like me) are so ready to take to the streets of Britain. I’ll be honking and circling a roundabout endlessly if you need to find me…
3 comments:
I'm surprised they suggested adjusting a mirror to dazzle others. I always just wear something that (Sir) Elton John would wear and people are typically satisfactorily dazzled.
Also, I think it's worth calling the English out on the crossings that have to do with birds, pegasi, or other winged creatures. Why would they cross when they could just fly? Was there an essay question so you could address this obvious nonsense?
Best of wishes on the big December 12th date...dazzle those Brits! We haven't figured out how to get a Maryland driver's license yet, so maybe our experience will be blog-worthy as well. But I kind of doubt it.
wow.
This is absolutely hillarious. You are a wonderful writer. I really love the options for driving when angry
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